The Toxic Cycle: Fluctuating between Good and Horrible

Many people find themselves feeling trapped in relationships that oscillate between intoxicating highs and devastating lows, like a rollercoaster ride that leaves them constantly on edge and confused. This perilous dynamic is rooted in intermittent reinforcement and the cycle of abuse, a potent combination that forms the basis of a trauma bond.

Intermittent reinforcement is a psychological principle that is often used in animal training, where a behavior is rewarded only occasionally, rather than consistently. This strategy actually strengthens the conditioned response, which causes the animal to think it has to work harder for the reward. When applied to relationships, intermittent reinforcement can create a very powerful, addictive bond. This is because someone being manipulated is constantly seeking the euphoria of the "good times."

The Cycle of Abuse and Trauma Bonds
In a toxic relationship, the cycle of abuse usually begins with an intense, seemingly perfect period, where the abuser showers their partner with love, attention, and affection. This idyllic phase is later abruptly shattered by an incident of emotional, verbal, or physical abuse. The abuser then begins the reconstruction phase in order to bring the target of their manipulation back in. They do things like act nice, charming, and make empty promises to change, only to repeat the cycle once again. Over time, this pattern fosters a trauma bond, where the victim becomes emotionally dependent on their abuser. This is by design. The abuser wants that dependency. 

Manipulators Know What They're Doing
Remember that these extreme fluctuations are not accidental. Manipulators are well-aware of the psychological impact of intermittent reinforcement and use it intentionally to keep their partners trapped in the relationship. By alternating between cruelty and kindness, they create an addictive dynamic, making it difficult for their partner to escape. The last thing they actually want is for their partner to leave or escape their control. But cutting those ties is the healthiest thing the trapped partner can do. 

Leaving a toxic relationship is challenging yet one of the most transformative experiences you will have. While it's natural to mourn the "good times," so you will need to allow space for that. Recognize that the relationship as a whole was damaging and unsustainable, even if there were so-called ‘good times’. No bonded relationship is without good times.  There would be no bond without moments of pleasure. By breaking free, you open yourself up to the possibility of healthier connections, built on mutual respect, trust, and stability. Moreover, distancing yourself from the abuser allows you to reconnect with your authentic self, cultivate resilience, and pursue a life filled with genuine love and happiness.

Relationships characterized by extreme highs and lows are inherently dangerous. They rely on intermittent reinforcement and the cycle of abuse to create a powerful trauma bond. By understanding these dynamics and seeking support, you can escape the toxic cycle and embrace a future defined by personal growth, self-discovery, and fulfilling, healthy relationships.

By Deborah Ashway, LCMHCS, LCAS

#toxicrelationships #intermittentreinforcement #cycleofabuse #traumabond #emotionalmanipulation #relationshipredflags #breakfree #authenticself #healthyconnections #selfgrowth

---