Have you ever had an argument with your partner and thought, “We keep having the same argument over and over?”
Maybe the topics changes, but the argument still leads both of you to the same place, feeling unheard, misunderstood, and disregarded. One person may feel frustrated and push harder while the other partner shutdowns completely. Overtime this can become frustrating and exhausting for couples. This can often lead partners to asking themselves two questions “Will our marriage always feel like this?” or “Is this marriage worth fixing?”
What many couples do not realize is that they may be stuck in a negative cycle
What is a Negative Cycle?
A negative cycle is a repeated pattern between partners where one partner reacts to the other partner, and the other partner reacts back. Overtime if not stopped the negative cycle becomes almost automatic for the couple. Creating a vicious cycle of back and forth where no one is truly being heard. Often times partners are stuck in the content of the argument, instead of focusing more on what each partner is feeling emotionally in that moment.
For example, one partner may be asking for more help around the house and begin pushing for their partner to be more helpful or start criticizing their partner. This can cause their spouse to feel attacked and they become defensive and withdraw. What the couple doesn’t realize is that “underneath the content” are feelings of not being heard or feeling overwhelmed.
An example of a negative cycle looks like this
Partner A feels overwhelmed and unsupported → asks for more help, but it comes out as criticism → Partner B feels attacked or like they can never do enough → becomes defensive or withdraws → Partner A feels even more alone and unimportant → becomes more frustrated and critical → Partner B shuts down or helps less → Partner A feels even more overwhelmed.
When this happens both partners look at the other as the problem, but when we look underneath the content, and focus on the deeper emotions behind what is being said or done is partner A feels like they are carrying everything, and wants to know that they are not alone and partner B feels like nothing they do is good enough, so they withdraw and stop trying out of fear.
So, How Do We Stop the Negative Cycle?
First, is recognizing the negative cycle exists.
When the negative cycle has been happening for a long time, it takes time to pinpoint what triggers the cycle, and how each partner contributes to it. It also requires for both partners to be vulnerable with one another, and not be afraid to let their partner know what is happening for them emotionally.
Also, it is important to move from a you vs. me mind state to a us vs. the cycle mind state.
This does not mean that hurtful behaviors should be ignored or excused. Each partner is still responsible for how they communicate and how they treat the other person. However, understanding the pattern can make it easier for couples to stop blaming each other and begin talking about what is happening underneath the conflict.
Many times the argument is not really what is being discussed.
A disagreement about intimacy may really be connected to feeling unwanted or rejected
A fight about dishes may actually be connected to feeling unappreciated.
An argument about texting may be connected to feeling unimportant.
This is why moving past the content and exploring the deeper emotions under the disagreement is so important.
Learning to Recognize the Cycle Earlier
Stopping the negative cycle takes time.
Even when couples have become better at recognizing their cycle. There may be moments when they fall back into it.
We are human, and life can be overwhelming.
There are kids to raise, parents to care for, jobs to work, bills to pay, homes to manage, relationships to maintain, all while loving ourselves and our partners. There will be times when couples forget the tools they have learned because they are tired, stressed, hurt, or overwhelmed
The goal isn’t to never experience conflict again because conflict is a part of life.
The goal is to recognize the cycle earlier, slow it down, understand what is happening beneath it, and repair the connection.
How Couples Counseling Can Help
Couples counseling can be helpful when partners feel stuck in these patterns.
Therapy can give couples a space to slow down, understand what is happening emotionally, and begin practicing new ways of communicating with one another.
Instead of focusing only on who is right and who is wrong, couples can begin exploring what each person is feeling, what they need, and what keeps pulling them back into the same argument.
Sometimes couples are not lacking love for one another.
Sometimes they are simply stuck in a cycle they do not yet know how to change.
Recognizing the cycle can be the first step toward creating a different relationship pattern.